Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I’m not sure. I know I wondered about it occasionally as a kid, because I was always falling for lovely women, but I have no idea how old I was. In a way, it was just always there somewhere as a concept, but one without stress or angst attached. Apart from having an older stepbrother who was gay and a mother who seemed very liberal to me, I had other stuff to think about. Books. Music. Sexual abuse. Horses. Stuff. I was telling my gf the other day though, how when I had decided to go overseas – to go to London from South Africa – that I sat one day (in a parrot aviary, as it happens) and made a long list over several pages of a notebook, of all the things I wanted to see, do and resolve overseas. And “am I a lesbian?” was a very significant inclusion on that list …

Once again, here’s the link to the original meme.

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About ulla

queer. antisocial. verbose. View all posts by ulla

9 responses to “Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

  • T.

    I think I was 8 or 9 when my stepfather started making fun of me by calling me dyke, lesbian, homo – things like that. I had no clue what those words meant but I knew he didn’t mean them as good things, (and yes, he was a huge douche bag). Being a precocious child I went to the library and looked them up – now I had the definitions but I still had no clue what it all meant. I liked boys just fine….in fact, I liked boys way better than girls – they had better stuff, better clothes, better hair styles – girls were stupid, played with dolls and wore dresses. Needless to say, my confusion was cleared up as I neared puberty….lol!

    (that’s me at nine in my avatar pic – what a cute little…umm…girl)

  • me

    You were a cute kid – noticed the pic before and it didn’t make me question your gender. And even if it had, I wouldn’t have thought much beyond “cute tomboy” I reckon.

  • Peachy Keen

    i was maybe six years old when i noticed all my “crushes” were female. in kindergarten, i asked a boy to show me his winky on the school bus. when he did, i cried. as i grew up, women would hit on me and i’d daydream about “what if”… oddly, tho, it was never an option in my head until after high school. when the lightbulb when on, it was very much “duh” and “WTF?… as in WHY the f… is this just now hitting me?”

  • lilborneo

    Obviously….it took me awhile longer, but I was able to put the pieces together eventually. And thank you for your comment on my latest entry. :-) That was high praise. I’ve been leaving a lot out in my blog from more things that happened through the years, but my blog is really a rough draft of the book I’m in the middle of writing. I’m just using it to organize my thoughts.

  • Subteradio

    In my case I was 4 years old. I don’t know why but most of tv children programs were always hosted by beautiful women (at least in my country), always wearing short skirts, long hair etc etc etc, of course, I felt in love with all of them

  • me

    Ah it’s so cool to hear all your stories! And lil I want a signed copy please :)

  • Moominboy

    Hm, I’d like to ask about another thing in this post: how did you arrive at the decision to move to London? How did you gather the courage and determination?

  • me

    I wish I could spin you a courage and determination story, but actually it happened like this…

    I had a dead-end job at age 18 or 19, I was pissed off at not having been able to go to university, I was living in a flat and drinking/partying to that youthfully insane level. I was sad and angry – I’m not saying all this to get sympathy or even empathy, just setting the scene. I kissed some boys and didn’t like it and I had less than no clue how to meet lesbians – the few I met seemed to vanish like startled rabbits.

    Then I soberly, but stupidly wrote my first car off on a dirt road and sliced up my head superficially, but graphically. At some stage my mother said she wondered if I shouldn’t consider going overseas and I agreed.

    I was so fucking lost and scared and such a misfit. And did I mention I was scared? I just did it, because it seemed like a way out and I didn’t know what the hell else to do. I was repulsively passive.

    Sometimes you just have to shut your eyes, jump and hope for the best.

    You’d be fine if you moved, my Luke, you really would. Apply for jobs – you can always say no.

  • Moominboy

    Yeah, everybody seem to be able to do that but me :S I am even aware that I probably would make it, on an intellectual level. There is just some kind of block within me. Anyway, thanks for sharing the story :)

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