Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

I thought about this one for a few days i.e. the days when I was too lazy to blog. I was very tempted to post it with the title as is and the post content being …

No.

But then at the very last minute i.e. the last few minutes, I remembered some inner turmoil. Phew.

I never had a moment’s worry about being a dyke – other people – haters and homophobes – taught me that there were issues with it. The only thing that did bug me for some years, in a low grade kind of a way, was had my childhood and the sexual abuse made me gay? I really thought about it hard in about 1993, when I read a book about abuse, written by a lesbian and a straight woman. They made all the obvious remarks about not all abuse survivors being gay and they also interviewed a bunch of lesbians – who had all considered the very same question at some stage. One answer stuck out and comforted me and I have never forgotten it – it went something along the lines of well-who-knows-but-so-what? What a relief.

Sexual abuse led me to suicidal ideations, one serious attempt and a variety of self-harm techniques. My sexuality probably had more to do with my healing than anything else.

Once again, get this meme here.

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About ulla

queer. antisocial. verbose. View all posts by ulla

10 responses to “Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

  • queerfindingsanity

    That would be almost my exact response to that question as well. I didn’t have too much difficulty with accepting my sexual orientation (only in the context of it intersecting with abuse issues). glad to hear you didnt either.

  • me

    Ha! I’m sorry you had the same shit you know, but glad we found each other to talk to, relate to + identify with. And thanks a *lot* for saying it here.

    • queerfindingsanity

      I concur. I’d never wish it on anyone. But its good to have someone to relate to about it all. I feel like sometimes its hard to find folks in the queer community to relate to about childhood abuse..

  • pothus

    I’m not sure of the best way to say this, but thank you for being honest about your life. It means a lot to me to learn about the experiences that other people have, and I’ve never “met” someone who has been open about their history with sexual abuse. I’m sorry that it happened to you, but I’m grateful that you choose to share that experience.

  • me

    Wow. Thank you x two. Am seriously touched by both your comments is different ways. Pothus – there are so many blogs etc by abuse survivors, I blogged some passworded posts about some of my stuff, but stopped, because I get fed up with my own story at times + am wary of letting it become too defining of me. I don’t mean other people define me by it, I mean that there have been times where I have.

    • pothus

      I think what I appreciate most is how you don’t let the abuse define you, but make it part of the lens that you use to look at yourself and the world.

  • Peachy Keen

    thanks for this post. i’m sure it’s always hard to admit abuse or any other pain. that said, i never had inner turmoil regarding my sexuality. but i was/ am conflicted by other’s discomfort. i had issues with the intersection of my spirituality (previously, religion) and my sexuality… and my family’s (mom’s) reactions. i also wondered about sexual abuse and it’s possible “creation” of sexuality. unfortunately, my abuse occured as a young adult, after i’d already started embracing my inner-dyke a little more. it’s no wonder, tho, that i sometimes hate talking about my abuse partly because i’m afraid people will think, “oh, that’s what made her gay…”

  • me

    Well put, peachy – and interesting also to glimpse the less perky side of you ;) I’m sorry you were abused, thanks for identifying with me though – it helps. I have a good friend who has said a few times “well obviously that’s what made you gay,” which I no longer react to at all. I don’t find it hard to say I’ve been abused – it still fucks me up fairly frequently, but I feel strongly that as a survivor I need to say it just in case anyone out there needs me to listen to them. I try to remind myself that I’m a survivor not a victim – it doesn’t always work. Ag ja hey. Life.

  • Moominboy

    Hehe, one internet nutter tried to make the connection between me battling depression and being an atheist. I think if anything it helped me to shake off the catholic guilt and recover from it. Same thing here, it seems.

  • lesc90

    I appreciate your honesty as well :)

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