One of the few aspects of The L Word that really does reflect lesbian life painfully accurately, is Our Chart. You can go years without being involved in charts at all, but eventually you get older or busier or something and the chart bites your arse. It’s as logical as a village.
Continuing from the previous episode …
Before she went out with Sian, Ruth was with a woman called Oil. Oil and Sian had fucked a few times and were friends up until the Sian/Ruth thing happened. It’s OK, they made friends again after it all ended, but not before Oil had dissed Ruth all over the internet. Ruth maintained Oil was always in love with Sian – but that was never, ever true. Oil dumped Ruth and Ruth hung on until Oil said, “Please, I need you to let go now.”
Erika, who was painfully drowning in unrequited love for Ruth all the while and forever, had a serious ex girlfriend called Tracy, who was allegedly an overweight alcoholic at the time. After generating a magnetically vomit-inducing rumour that one of Tracy’s dogs had licked Erika somewhere unfortunate one night during sex, the two split up. Before she found some form of weight-loss and recovery, Tracy had a relationship with a woman called Peanut. During this time, she generated the rumour that she quaffed last night’s whiskey first thing in the morning. Tracy then went out with someone called Asia, Peanut got involved with Sian and for a little while, they socialised together and nobody generated any rumours at all for a bit. Then Tracy dumped Asia and Peanut dumped Sian. Then Sian and Peanut got back together and then Sian cheated on Peanut with a woman called Hero, more or less simultaneously introducing Peanut to Groupie. “I met your bisexual friend,” said Peanut to Sian – it took her a few months, but not many, to get engaged to Groupie.
Sian admitted her betrayal to Peanut, who went batshit and stalked her online, threatening legal action, all of this while smitten with and engaged to Groupie, of course. Erika admitted the betrayal of their friendship (with Ruth) to Sian, who found she actually didn’t care at all, having fallen for Hero in a serious way. Hero’s ex, Fifi, meanwhile, continued to fire bitter verbal cannonballs at Hero. Some exes cling like leeches, right? You all know what I’m talking about. Sian and Hero contemplated introducing Peanut and Fifi so that they could be undead lesbian zombies from hell together.
Tracy, meanwhile, embarked upon a relationship with Mondo, who hasn’t appeared in this tale yet. Mondo was a lesbian mommy – in true good and liberal South African lesbian style, she and her then long-term girlfriend Rage had adopted a baby from a different race group. The kid lived with Rage during the week and with Mondo most weekends. Rage’s next girlfriend after Mondo, was Arta – they went out for some years. Before going out with Rage, Arta and Sian had a one night stand full of laughter and truly lousy sex – they stayed friends afterwards, but Rage never trusted Sian again. Rage had been in love with Oil, by the way, for 17 years – the love eventually turned to hate, for reasons unknown to anyone but Rage, who didn’t acquire her name for nothing.
Ruth fucked Erika and broke her heart and then she fucked a woman called Trudy, but didn’t break a thing. Trudy ended up going out with Spider. Spider and Erika used to kiss when dared to at parties, but never more than that. Spider was one of those psycho lesbians, who’d been in a relationship with Sian’s friend Zed for a while and made her life hell by, amongst other things, faking a terminal disease. Spider also fucked one of Sian’s exes, called Bambi and went out with Ruth’s ex, Lulu for a while. Before going out with Bambi, Sian had an illicit affair with Bambi’s ex, Zero. Zero was involved with some woman called Angel at the time.
The scary thing about all of this is that I’m only listing the connections I know – I can almost guarantee there are a whole lot more threads in that little spiderweb …
(All names have been changed and this is filed as fiction, so I don’t get sued or lynched).