Tag Archives: ex girlfriend

alternate histories

A Little Dyke Drama Spiderweb


One of the few aspects of The L Word that really does reflect lesbian life painfully accurately, is Our Chart.  You can go years without being involved in charts at all, but eventually you get older or busier or something and the chart bites your arse.  It’s as logical as a village.

Continuing from the previous episode

Before she went out with Sian, Ruth was with a woman called Oil.  Oil and Sian had fucked a few times and were friends up until the Sian/Ruth thing happened.  It’s OK, they made friends again after it all ended, but not before Oil had dissed Ruth all over the internet.  Ruth maintained Oil was always in love with Sian – but that was never, ever true.  Oil dumped Ruth and Ruth hung on until Oil said, “Please, I need you to let go now.”

Erika, who was painfully drowning in unrequited love for Ruth all the while and forever, had a serious ex girlfriend called Tracy, who was allegedly an overweight alcoholic at the time.  After generating a magnetically vomit-inducing rumour that one of Tracy’s dogs had licked Erika somewhere unfortunate one night during sex, the two split up.  Before she found some form of weight-loss and recovery, Tracy had a relationship with a woman called Peanut.  During this time, she generated the rumour that she quaffed last night’s whiskey first thing in the morning.  Tracy then went out with someone called Asia, Peanut got involved with Sian and for a little while, they socialised together and nobody generated any rumours at all for a bit.  Then Tracy dumped Asia and Peanut dumped Sian.  Then Sian and Peanut got back together and then Sian cheated on Peanut with a woman called Hero, more or less simultaneously introducing Peanut to Groupie.  “I met your bisexual friend,” said Peanut to Sian – it took her a few months, but not many, to get engaged to Groupie.

Sian admitted her betrayal to Peanut, who went batshit and stalked her online, threatening legal action, all of this while smitten with and engaged to Groupie, of course.  Erika admitted the betrayal of their friendship (with Ruth) to Sian, who found she actually didn’t care at all, having fallen for Hero in a serious way.  Hero’s ex, Fifi, meanwhile, continued to fire bitter verbal cannonballs at Hero.  Some exes cling like leeches, right?  You all know what I’m talking about.   Sian and Hero contemplated introducing Peanut and Fifi so that they could be undead lesbian zombies from hell together.

Tracy, meanwhile, embarked upon a relationship with Mondo, who hasn’t appeared in this tale yet.  Mondo was a lesbian mommy – in true good and liberal South African lesbian style, she and her then long-term girlfriend Rage had adopted a baby from a different race group.  The kid lived with Rage during the week and with Mondo most weekends.  Rage’s next girlfriend after Mondo, was Arta – they went out for some years.  Before going out with Rage, Arta and Sian had a one night stand full of laughter and truly lousy sex – they stayed friends afterwards, but Rage never trusted Sian again.  Rage had been in love with Oil, by the way, for 17 years – the love eventually turned to hate, for reasons unknown to anyone but Rage, who didn’t acquire her name for nothing.

Ruth fucked Erika and broke her heart and then she fucked a woman called Trudy, but didn’t break a thing.  Trudy ended up going out with Spider.  Spider and Erika used to kiss when dared to at parties, but never more than that.  Spider was one of those psycho lesbians, who’d been in a relationship with Sian’s friend Zed for a while and made her life hell by, amongst other things, faking a terminal disease.  Spider also fucked one of Sian’s exes, called Bambi and went out with Ruth’s ex, Lulu for a while.  Before going out with Bambi, Sian had an illicit affair with Bambi’s ex, Zero.  Zero was involved with some woman called Angel at the time.

The scary thing about all of this is that I’m only listing the connections I know – I can almost guarantee there are a whole lot more threads in that little spiderweb …

(All names have been changed and this is filed as fiction, so I don’t get sued or lynched).

ani was magnetic

Dyke Drama (it deserves title case) is something none of us seem to escape – even if it’s not happening to you personally, I bet you can access some nearby.  If not, try the internet.  Try this.

So I heard it from a friend who … no, it really did happen to a friend and this time, “friend” is not actually a euphemism for “me” – although it doesn’t matter very much.

Anyway, pin your ears back.

So this friend tells me all about her ex, who she lived with for years, was besotted with and wanted to marry (and hey, gay “marriage” aka civil union is a legal thing in South Africa.  Lekker).  Let’s call the friend Sara and we’ll call her ex Ani.  Sara and Ani.  Sara’s got issues (who hasn’t) and so has Ani and Sara’s issues seem to make her clingy and Ani, well she’s your archetypal commitment-phobe.  So their wounds clashed badly where they needed to coincide.  Sara wanted to get married, Ani wanted to fuck around and so she did.  Sara’s a workaholic too, with a glittering career and she supported Ani financially while she studied something creative and then fell in and out of jobs.  Ani had to also make frequent rescue attempts in aid of a “good friend,” let’s call her Leah.

To self-mutilate a long story short, eventually Sara’s fears were confirmed and by the time Ani admitted to fucking Leah, Sara was threatening suicide and homicide and she flipped out and melted down and cut herself with something sharp and rusty.  Ani screwed her for some more money before she left, promising to return and marry Sara one day, when she’d got her wild oats sowed and all.

Ani and Leah move cities, stay together for a few years and everyone’s grapevine’s a mystery till Ani meets Ruth.  Ruth is with a woman called Sian …

As usual, all parties, concerned and unconcerned, have issues.  Deep and dark ones.  Ruth and Sian are falling apart, Sian’s melting down and Ruth’s fed right up.  Ruth falls for Ani, the stage is set.  Ruth contents herself with the beginnings of a text message romance with someone else entirely (does she even need a name?  We’ll call her Erika).  She also continues a poignant little text fling with Sara.  Yup, the same Sara.  Ruth gets rid of Sian – they’re supposed to carry on seeing each other after the separation, but it’s Ruth’s turn to flip out and she does, nationally and dramatically and Sian quietly fades into her own distant insanity.

Ruth and Ani finally get it on, intellectually and emotionally and who knows when they start fucking, but of course they do.  Leah goes ballistic and throws now-she-has-a-job-now-she-doesn’t Ani out.  Ani lands at Ruth’s place, homeless and jobless and Ruth saves her.  In no time at all, Ani is essential to Ruth in ways practical and emotional, but this time Ani doesn’t promise to be faithful.  She has the wildest of oats to sow, but she’ll marry Ruth one day, because it’s love, true love.  Ruth goes slowly mad and it takes her quite some time to throw Ani out.  She does it only after several confessions from Ani that Ani’s been fucking her best friend Tana.

Ani continues to promise marriage to Sara, till Sara finally gets fed up and finds herself a real girlfriend.  As far as I know, she’s still promising to marry Ruth.  Heart well and truly broken, Ruth begins a sexual rampage all over the city; blatant and unashamed.  According to rumours, one woman moved continents to be with her, went broke buying her things and then Ruth refused to see her.

And now?  It’s all a mystery again, but you can bet your bottom or any other body part you like, that the cycle continues.  It always does and nobody’s immune.

It’s both a human and a chart function ..

You expected some sort of gossip but it came from an unexpected quarter and made you wonder why people who allegedly mean you well are the ones who repeat gossip.  It’s both a human and a chart function – it’s your ex girlfriend, and her ex girlfriend had stories to tell about friends of your current girlfriend.  The content didn’t surprise or alarm you at all, the tenacious recounting of it all did.  Apparently she defended your honour, which was nice, but was it necessary?

Your mother, the ex and her girlfriend ..

So your ex and her girlfriend come to visit and your mother’s delighted, because she always loved that ex to bits.  The ex is more of a friend than an ex actually, the relationship wasn’t really a relationship, but the terminology remains.  You gap it down to the beach with them and on the way someone says something about how much your mother likes the ex and you all laugh and then the girlfriend says, “God she still doesn’t like me for stealing the ex from you,” and you laugh and say, “Nah, me and the ex were never anything much, my mother just wishes she could have her for a daughter instead of me.” The girlfriend says, “I know how you feel, I have the same problem.”